Rush Hour Thought

February 24, 2017

18:00

Written in the middle of busy Jakarta

I am someone who can't and maybe will never be able to sit down and think about life. Matter fact, I don't care about it until it hits me hard and left me breakdown and cry.

I am at the moment in my life when I feel so overwhelmed by everything- the pressures from work, families, and personal matters. I tried to excel in every aspects of life simply because I don't want to see myself fail.

I have always told myself that I don't want to live a simple life. To me everything I do and every effort has to be forced, so I can get the best results in everything. Am I a perfectionist? No, I am not but I know damn for sure that I work hard to make my dreams come true.

I am a big believer in success. When I have goals, I have purposes in life and If I only follow the stream I cannot rise up. I want to be the best in everything I do because I know there will be no results without struggles and sufferings.

As optimistic as it seems, sometimes I found myself spinning inside the same old boring routines, I focus too much on my works and I forget to take care of myself.

I remember one day I had an emotional breakdown, I felt so lost to the point where I failed to believe in myself. I tried to make everyone (my boss, my parents, my friends) andI forgot to share that happiness with myself.

A lot of my friends said I am the luckiest girl. I had no trouble finding a job, I can buy everything I want, I graduated from foreign university with an excellent GPA, I live a nice life, I travel overseas every once or twice every year and I have lots of lots of friends. However, that doesn't give me a true happiness. I feel lonely most of the time, I feel like I am alone and have no shoulders to cry on or have no ears to borrow. I cry when I fail, I focus too much on it my heart breaks.

So one day, in the middle of the night I sat down on my bed (thinking) what made me feel so unhappy? I couldn't find the answer at that time but that thought keeps hitting me straight to my brain. And the I remember one day I was in the middle of an interview with one of the most prominent figures in Jakarta. I asked him:

Me: How can you keep yourself fit in the middle of your busy days? Don't you have breakdown sometimes?

Him: Of course I do but does it really matter? I am always happy because I never forget to be grateful. That's the key.

"Grateful" yeah "being grateful" is the words that seem to be missing from my dictionary.

As proverb reminds us- "There is always the light at the end of the tunnel."

That's cliché (I think) yet I realize that the tunnel fills me with darkness so deep, it left me breathless, hopeless, and lost in my suffering.

When I am inside that tunnel, the darkness is all I can see and feel. It's difficult to imagine if there's hope. Isn't it ironic that my own thoughts can suck the life out of me and take me further that feeling lost and desolate?

I understand life is an imperfect experience. It's a journey that, for everyone, contains light and dark aspects but suffering is part of growth.

Back in 2015, someone told me repeatedly that I can't depend my happiness in someone else. "You have to be happy first! Don't put your happiness in me, it should starts from you." And at this very moment, as I replay that conversation in my head, I realized that maybe I don't really know myself and it's time to make a move.

So today, when I write this (on the backseat of my car, in the middle of busy Jakarta) I realize that my insecurities and my failures to look at what I have got have eaten my brain and left me empty. I was too blind to discover a simple life. In fact, I refused to care about it.

If there were one thing I could change back then, I would definitely give myself a chance to be happy. And happiness (my friends) doesn't come instantly. It has to be built, discovered, and recognized. So let's start from a simple gesture, be grateful and happiness follows.